In Sight (Blog to Learn, Day 18)

This is strange. Yesterday was a long day; I probably got home at about 10 PM, after having to contend with a wide variety of potentially exhausting situations. For one, I taught all day, and then I had four or five children who showed up after school, to practice and "chill" before their performance, that evening. At the same time, I had a friend who decided to stop by to pick up some music, and to vent about some relationship issues. I really wish that I had been able to do more work, but these distractions turned into a convenient way for me to avoid that work. Then again, it is show week, and I never had any delusions about making much personal progress, this week.

I addition, I slipped back into an old habit, and I checked my email, first thing in the morning. Wow. That was a mistake. In my personal account was a sad and mildly accusatory note from my dad, about my failure to keep in touch with him. I probably should work on keeping in touch with most people, but it hasn't yet become a habit. It's clearly an area that I need to work on. His email was on my mind for much of the morning, but I know that it would be silly to try to write a worthwhile reply before tomorrow morning.

I can't believe it; my first blogging challenge is nearly over, and I have done fairly well at keeping up with posts, with the slight exception of my illness-and-travel-fueled Spring Break. As much as I hate to admit it, Spring Break was a bit depressing, because I had a difficult time allowing myself to relax. I started to feel a bit useless, doing little beyond sleeping off the sickness and spending time with family. Still, I am already looking back fondly at all of that FREE TIME! This point to some current flaws in my thinking:

1. I don't know how to participate in active relaxation. This probably explains my lack of interest in "going out" to spend time with other people (in dancing, dining, weekend excursions, etc.) It makes me uncomfortable at times, because I find myself feeling guilty for not doing "work." I also tend to avoid the exhaustion that comes with spending time with people, after spending time with people all day. I can admit that I need my quiet moments, but I find that I am now retreating into them. Following #1, my attitudes point to a few key changes that I probably need to make:
   
   • I need better friends, who enliven rather than exhaust me. I either need to minimize or eliminate contact with those people who only seem to want me as a wailing wall.
     
   • I need to consider spending time to keep in touch with the people that really do matter to me, on the deepest of levels: family, intimate friends, and social acquaintances that offer joy or inspire a desire for closer friendship. This may mean learning to schedule social contact, until I get used to it again.
     
   • I need to talk less, at least when it comes to the rambling, unfocused, time-fillers that words can be. In other words, I need to focus more on meaningful communication.
     
   • Finally, I need to make relaxation pleasurable, and not a guilty. Oddly, I feel less guilty when I spend an hour reading than I do when I spend that same block of free time watching an episode of something on Netflix or playing a video game. I think that it might have something to do with my usual focus on intellect and knowledge acquisition, as well as the typical stigma attached to TV and video games as time-wasters.
     
   • Awareness training via meditation would likely be of great benefit to me, for many, many reasons.
2. Busy does not equal productive.
   
3. Sleep, food, physical activity, and other basic needs should be top priority, and not simply "work breaks."
   
4. I need to tackle avoidant behavior when I am faced with overwhelming circumstances.

More and more, this blog is starting to follow a natural progression. Although I initially had a difficult time deciding which experiment to try next, I have found myself seeking out resources and information on (non-programming related) batching, automation, and elimination. Lucky for me, my first post in this category will fall on a Sunday, when I will have plenty of time to do some preliminary research and planning. I have one more day of general blogging to go! See you tomorrow!