The Show Must Go On (Blog to Learn, Day 19)

I am awake earlier than usual today in order to take care of some necessary tasks prior to the closing of our musical run tonight. I had a dream that someone stood me up for dinner, probably because I did not get the chance to eat a full meal after the show, and it was far too late to consider doing so. I also have very little to eat in my refrigerator, after exhausting my post-break supplies. Obviously, groceries are on the list. They are also on the ever-growing list of things that I can learn to batch. I am starting to realize that batching might be more difficult than it looks, so I'll have to be careful when I'm planning my blog posts for the month of May.

In general, I think that the Blog to Learn challenge was an absolute success. I started late, in the middle of April. I even missed a few days here and there, but I still managed to fall into the habit of regular blogging. In fact, I look forward to it, every morning. I also learned a lot about my motivations, which are leading me directly to the first official experiment, beginning tomorrow. I also got to the important part of the process when I wanted to rebel against blogging. I started to recognize that I could use the time I spend blogging each morning for other things, like exercising or job-hunting. I think that it is important to keep this writing process in tact, though. Writing forces me to focus on the things in my life that demand attention.

I do have a tendency toward catastrophic indecision, and last night as I was driving home, I was struck with a thousand other things that I wanted to substitute for the batching challenge: diet and exercise, decluttering/housecleaning, paperwork, socialization, adventure/excursion based experiments, and on and on.... Rather than looking at this urge as a call to avoid the batching challenge that has presented itself so naturally, I'm going to look at it as a sign of success. I can always include all of these ideas in miniature, as part of the batching challenge, itself. I might even free up enough time and avoid enough anxiety over things left "undone" that I can fill with other goals. I think that I'm headed in the right direction. The trick is to keep moving.

In Sight (Blog to Learn, Day 18)

This is strange. Yesterday was a long day; I probably got home at about 10 PM, after having to contend with a wide variety of potentially exhausting situations. For one, I taught all day, and then I had four or five children who showed up after school, to practice and "chill" before their performance, that evening. At the same time, I had a friend who decided to stop by to pick up some music, and to vent about some relationship issues. I really wish that I had been able to do more work, but these distractions turned into a convenient way for me to avoid that work. Then again, it is show week, and I never had any delusions about making much personal progress, this week.

I addition, I slipped back into an old habit, and I checked my email, first thing in the morning. Wow. That was a mistake. In my personal account was a sad and mildly accusatory note from my dad, about my failure to keep in touch with him. I probably should work on keeping in touch with most people, but it hasn't yet become a habit. It's clearly an area that I need to work on. His email was on my mind for much of the morning, but I know that it would be silly to try to write a worthwhile reply before tomorrow morning.

I can't believe it; my first blogging challenge is nearly over, and I have done fairly well at keeping up with posts, with the slight exception of my illness-and-travel-fueled Spring Break. As much as I hate to admit it, Spring Break was a bit depressing, because I had a difficult time allowing myself to relax. I started to feel a bit useless, doing little beyond sleeping off the sickness and spending time with family. Still, I am already looking back fondly at all of that FREE TIME! This point to some current flaws in my thinking:

1. I don't know how to participate in active relaxation. This probably explains my lack of interest in "going out" to spend time with other people (in dancing, dining, weekend excursions, etc.) It makes me uncomfortable at times, because I find myself feeling guilty for not doing "work." I also tend to avoid the exhaustion that comes with spending time with people, after spending time with people all day. I can admit that I need my quiet moments, but I find that I am now retreating into them. Following #1, my attitudes point to a few key changes that I probably need to make:
   
   • I need better friends, who enliven rather than exhaust me. I either need to minimize or eliminate contact with those people who only seem to want me as a wailing wall.
     
   • I need to consider spending time to keep in touch with the people that really do matter to me, on the deepest of levels: family, intimate friends, and social acquaintances that offer joy or inspire a desire for closer friendship. This may mean learning to schedule social contact, until I get used to it again.
     
   • I need to talk less, at least when it comes to the rambling, unfocused, time-fillers that words can be. In other words, I need to focus more on meaningful communication.
     
   • Finally, I need to make relaxation pleasurable, and not a guilty. Oddly, I feel less guilty when I spend an hour reading than I do when I spend that same block of free time watching an episode of something on Netflix or playing a video game. I think that it might have something to do with my usual focus on intellect and knowledge acquisition, as well as the typical stigma attached to TV and video games as time-wasters.
     
   • Awareness training via meditation would likely be of great benefit to me, for many, many reasons.
2. Busy does not equal productive.
   
3. Sleep, food, physical activity, and other basic needs should be top priority, and not simply "work breaks."
   
4. I need to tackle avoidant behavior when I am faced with overwhelming circumstances.

More and more, this blog is starting to follow a natural progression. Although I initially had a difficult time deciding which experiment to try next, I have found myself seeking out resources and information on (non-programming related) batching, automation, and elimination. Lucky for me, my first post in this category will fall on a Sunday, when I will have plenty of time to do some preliminary research and planning. I have one more day of general blogging to go! See you tomorrow!

Defeat, the Bitterest Taste (Blog to Learn, Day 17)

The Penguins lost Game 7 (0-1) to Tampa Bay, last night. I woke up this morning, only to find that I have coffee, but no coffee filters. Tonight is opening night for our spring musical; therefore, I will be at school from 7:45 AM until 9:30 PM. Yep, it's that kind of day. (If I don't make this quick, I will be late, too...which will cast a dark shadow on the rest of my morning.)

Yesterday was not a very productive day, for me. I found myself avoiding tasks at work that weren't of critical importance, which isn't the best idea during concert month. I'm going to chalk it up to the initial resistance that comes with returning to work after any extended break. The problem is that I woke up this morning, still tired, allergy-ridden, and feeling avoidant. I will have to push through it, with the understanding that I will be better off in the long run if I take care of those responsibilities now. I'm fairly certain that I'm just upset because I didn't wake up early enough to spend time on the very time-consuming task of job-hunting. I have a desire to put in some time each morning, after blogging, to work toward personal goals involving career, music-related research, etc. I have made a lot more time to read, in recent days, which is both relaxing and informative. Doing so has spurred me on, making me ask more questions and forcing me to think beyond daily routine. Sadly, I have little time to jot down my thoughts as I read. I'm going to need to find a solution for that particular problem. On the plus side, I am genuinely looking forward to Saturday morning, when I will be able to start in on my next experiment...and catch up on some much-needed sleep.

This is a Bob Dylan Song Waiting to Happen (Blog to Learn, Day 16)

Well, after yesterday, I am still having mixed emotions about my job. On one side, our morning meeting made it all too clear that change is in the wind, and it may not benefit any of the arts teachers. Latin has already been removed from the schedule, but the Latin teacher has retained his job and will be teaching Language Arts, instead. It also sounded more and more like someone may be cut from the resource schedule altogether. Our principal also warned us that we may not hear about job placement, reassignment, etc. until late August. It's all the more reason to consider my options.

On the other side, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that many of the kids practiced their music during spring break. I also got a lot of small but necessary tasks finished. I was in bed early, ready to pass out, when my best friend--who lives out of state--called to share some exciting news. Then, my boyfriend called too. So much for sleep, but I would take the phone calls from people I love, any day.

I am off to another late start this morning, though. I'm going to have to reconsider my mornings...and my evenings, for that matter. Yesterday, despite being exhausted, I made a decent dinner and got an hour or so of reading in before falling into bed. Oh, and I blogged elsewhere for the first time in a while. Not too shabby. Today should be even better, if I can use my non-teaching time wisely and efficiently. I may have to start using more of my A.M. quiet time on job-hunting, for a while. Quite honestly, I think it may be easier to deal with those big, "scary" tasks before going to the job I already have. Then, I can be consistent about spending time on important pursuits, and still have the opportunity to read and sleep in the evenings.

Off to the Races (Blog to Learn, Day 15)

I probably shouldn't feel so wretched and anxious about returning to work, especially considering that I spent much of my break sick and sad. Even though I am not looking forward to the mad rush of concert season, I am pleased to have the opportunity to make some progress, at home (a.k.a. "where my stuff lives"). It has been a week. The girlfriend is here again, and probably has been for days. Very little has been done around the house, in my absence. The stove seems to be in the process of being cleaned. That's about it. Next time though, my cat is coming with me, or I am paying someone to look in on her. The litter box hasn't been touched in over a week, and she had very little food and no water when I got home last night. Ugh.

I got home late, but I couldn't sleep. I'm already too ready to jump into housework and job-hunting. I also have to consider the fact that the grand majority of my time this week will be spent attending to the spring musical and spring choir re-boot. I also started thinking about next month's blogging challenge/experiment. I have done a fair job of keeping up with writing here, but I still have a while to go before it becomes a habit. The one place where I'm going to need some assistance this month--as I always do at this time of the year--is freeing up enough time to get everything done without crazy-making getting in the way.

I'm considering a dual challenge, in which I try to free up some time by batching everything from chores to email, and adding a PM challenge for relaxing and getting to sleep earlier. I have a bit of research to do this week, to consider my options, but I think that I'm heading in the right direction. For now, I have gotten far to little sleep, and I am rushing out the door. Hopefully, that will change, soon.

Rude Awakening (Blog to Learn, Day 14)

I have a lot of catching up to do, but I would like to spend very little time on this entry. ...aaaaaaannnd GO!

I have been absent for a lot of reasons. I have been sick for my entire spring break, thanks to my roommate's girlfriend. Five days of coughing her germs into the house means that I got her cold...just as my allergies kicked in. I can say that I am glad to be be nearly done with this, the day before I have to return to work, but I would have given anything to enjoy all of my break, instead of having to sleep half of it away. Ugh. The worst of it is that I'm fairly certain my mom is now sick, with the same cold that won't die.

Our mini-trip to NYC was fun, despite the illness, though! We took my mom to see Wicked, and basically ate our way through the city. Highlights include: the show, Totto Ramen--which I will dream about for years to come, Teuscher chocolates, and Otto Dix at the German Expressionist show (courtesy of MoMA).

Unfortunately, this coming week marks the beginning of performance season. I would really like to be done with all of it. In fact, the second half of this break has left me more disenchanted than when it began. I'm chalking it up to an odd sleep schedule and inclement weather, but I'm going to need to break this spell, and soon. Right now, I'll be happier when the coffee kicks in.

I Can See Clearly, Now (Blog to Learn, Day 13)

[For the record, I hate that song. Ahem....]

After some serious introspection yesterday afternoon, I actually managed to declutter my closets. I still have far too much clothing, but I certainly made a large dent in the pile. One giant bag of clothing plus one small bag of shoes is in the trash. Two stuffed paper shopping bags of folded clothing are in my car, ready to go to Goodwill. Honestly, it was easy! I expected the usual struggles, but not this time. It didn't hurt that I had the benefit of listening to a lot of quality electronic music while I was cleaning, thanks to Rhapsody. It's the best thing I could ever spend $10/month to "buy."

Next to go will be all of the unnecessary paper, though I expect it to take several weeks to get that under control. Maybe I can focus on paper and take one day off per week to get rid of other things. I have a handful of things that I should probably try to sell, instead of simply listing them of Freecycle.

Today brings with it a whole new set of challenges. For one, it's Tax Day. Secondly, I had planned to drive home for Spring Break tonight, so I have some last-minute packing to do. I'm excited that I got a few critical things done here. It should be much easier to relax and enjoy our mini-trip to NYC, and I will be able to put this motivation to good use in other areas. I'm hoping to declutter a bunch of my old belongings that are still collecting dust at home, and to finish all of my job-hunting paperwork. The idea of facing all of these challenges is a lot less overwhelming when progress is possible. The real challenge will be trying to balance work with these new efforts. (Is it wrong that I am already looking forward to the end of concert season, and the beginning of summer? I have things to DO!)

Pledge to Be Awesome (Blog to Learn, Day 12)

I would give anything to start all over again. It has been two days worth of my "break," and I ache to burn bridges. I'm fairly certain that--despite sleeping downstairs for the last two nights--my roommate's girlfriend has hacked and coughed her way into making me genuinely ill. I read an email this morning that was sent four days late, but which put our school's budget shortfall into hard numbers. We're losing $600,000, which amounts to about 6-8 full-time teachers. Our money has already been frozen this year, so all of my music purchases have been out of pocket, and every department than can has moved in on the music department's successful Friday pizza-sale fundraiser. Ugh. On my first day of break, I usually like to be a lazy bum, but I spent too much of it angry at everything, including myself.

I'm tired of being awash in and surrounded by mediocrity, and I'm starting to think that it is my job to be awesome, for everyone's sake. I see what kind of power it can have; all it took yesterday was for my boyfriend to text me with a reminder about Tarkovsky films to remind me that not everyone makes me sad for humanity. I don't think I have time for anything but awesome things, and neither should anyone else.

Going Overboard (Blog to Learn, Day 11)

I can think of nothing better to wake me up on this rainy day than a fistful of loud dubstep songs and too much coffee.

Yeesh...talk about falling off of the deep end. I killed myself with work, over the course of several days this past week. I was trying to record and burn a practice CD for the choir kiddies to use during Spring Break. Hey, it was a great idea, in theory. In practice, I wish that I had done anything else. Sleep would have been a worthwhile pursuit. I skipped blogging for two days. On Wednesday night, I was up until 3:30 and got a mere 2 hours of sleep. On Thursday I crashed early and woke up at 3:00 AM on Friday. [I had intended to take a short nap, and I did just that. Unfortunately, when I woke up, it was to the sound of my roommate's girlfriend complaining loudly on the phone. On with the headphones, which lulled me to sleep with the sounds of Ovid's Metamorphoses in my ears. Ahhhh, much better. I am thoroughly convinced that teaching and having a roommate have effectively turned on anti-social behavior in me, but that is for another blog entry.]

To add to the usual demands of work, we all received a disturbing note in our daily bulletin. Budget cuts at the state and local levels are even starting to force cuts at our award-winning and parent-supported school. Nothing says, "You might lose your job," quite like the words, "What can we do?/Would you be willing to teach an extra class?/What are our priorities?" As an fine arts teacher, that is definitely not what I want to see. That said, I am a big fan of blessings in disguise. We'll see.

I have a lot of work to do at home this weekend, before I can actually think about enjoying any part of this break. For now, I'd be happy if my computer would stop sleeping, and I had dinner in my belly.

Cheating Myself or Learning to Relax? (Blog to Learn, Day 10)

I am finally awake when it would be most useful to me, but at the cost of productivity, yesterday. I suppose that I should start a bit earlier. While I was driving to work, I started asking myself how my morning routine could be more efficient...looking for flaws in the current system. Two things came to mind that are of any consequence: 1) limiting my blogging time, and 2) getting a decent night's sleep, so that I am capable of waking up with my alarm. Case in point, I am running a timer right now, as I type, and I fell asleep/passed out on the couch last night, shortly after dinner. I clearly needed the sleep, but I woke up a bit bitter for not accomplishing any of the tasks on yesterday's list. Today, I am off to a much better start...we shall see....

I turned rebellious again yesterday. Lacking the energy or motivation to complete non-critical work tasks, I ended up using my planning period to read and get lunch from the grocery store next to the school. Whether that time was wasted or used in the best possible way remains to be seen, but I certainly feel a bit useless. I just gave up/gave in yesterday. I'd like to think that it was a test run of what giving up/in does...I certainly considered it when I opted to read at lunch. That said, I watched an extra hour of television, bought my dinner, had both wine and ice cream, and fell asleep on the couch. I actually think that this could be a positive thing, but just not every day. I like the idea of taking one day a week to be self-indulgent/cheat/relax, but I'm going to have to be careful not to extend those "cheat days" beyond the once-a-week boundaries that should contain them. That means that I need to exercise some advance planning, and suck it up when the urge to avoid responsibility comes calling on the other days.

On the plus side, I had phenomenal and strange dreams, last night, and I am 45 minutes ahead of yesterday morning. I just need to push through the end of this week. After all, spring break is just around the corner.

What Happened? (Blog to Learn, Day 9)

Okay, this has to stop. On Sunday night, I was up reading until almost 1 AM. I thought that reading would relax me, and it did, but not for a while. Last night, I passed out in the middle of writing a sentence in my paper journal, and then woke up much later than I wanted to wake up, this morning. So now, I already feel like I have a backlog of things to do today, and less time to do them. I will need to set some very different priorities. Leaving work right after rehearsal would be a start.

I also probably need to take a good, hard look at the work that I do each day, and try to give myself a bit more credit for doing it. Nothing that was left unfinished last night was particularly critical, and I will certainly have time to catch up, today. I did get a lot done yesterday, but a lot of it felt like pointless busywork. I am hoping that it is just the result of early growing pains, and that progress may happen slower than I would like. Oh, but it WILL happen. I'll see to that.

Taking My Waking Slow (Blog to Learn, Day 8)

I used to be filled with this sort of crushing panic whenever the clock hit 6:50 AM, and I wasn't yet on my way to work. I certainly woke up later than I intended to, this morning, but here I am, sipping coffee and eating breakfast. Lunch is packed and ready to go. My clothing is laid out on my dresser. I am full of calm. Well, I am full of coffee, but the calm is getting there.

Yesterday, I didn't get much done, in the conventional sense, but I did make a lot of internal progress that had been demanding my attention for a long while. Also, I ploughed through a book and a half in short order, and managed to prioritize my work for today. I slept soundly and had strange dreams. All in all, it was a success, right down to the last bite of my second cupcake.

I'm going on a bit of an information fast, for a while. I shut off the auto-notification noises on my phone to ward off the temptation to check my email constantly. I'm going to shoot for the first half-hour of my planning period, and then again this evening, for the last half-hour before I leave from work. I'll save the personal email for when I get home, after I deal with the mail and bills. This will not be easy, since I have a tendency to check my email constantly...but it's a good experiment to try. There is no point in answering email when I can't respond to it immediately. The need to do so weighs on the mind, even when a reply isn't possible. I'm also restricting Facebook and Twitter to two times a day, AM and PM. There isn't really any pressing need to see if people like me enough to stroke me ego from time to time.

Ah, well...shower hour has arrived, and as much as I like this slow going, I probably should aim for being punctual, this morning. À tout à l'heure!

Adventure! (Blog to Learn, Day 7)

Yesterday was a smashing success, despite the fact that I got in my own way more than once. After stalling FOREVER, I finally did get all dolled up and went to D.C. for my Hanami adventure. By the time I got there, a lot of things had already gone wrong, but ended up leading me on completely worthwhile, alternative paths. Here is the breakdown, in reverse order:

The Ugly:

• In the process of trying to find my missing/hiding wig, I managed to completely trash my bedroom. The worst part is that now I probably have to clean it all, this afternoon.
  
• When I got off of the Metro, I walked in the exact opposite direction of the festival, for about 7 or 8 city blocks, and had to turn around to walk back. It took over half an hour.
  
• By the time that I got to the festival, I only had an hour left to see everything.

The Bad:

• I ended up using a different Metro station than my usual, and I had to navigate unfamiliar territory.
  
• I felt pretty stupid after checking the metered parking spots, digging for enough change to last me for the afternoon, and then plunking about $3.00 into the meter...only to discover that I didn't have to pay on weekends.
  
• I could not find my way into said Metro station for a good 15 minutes.
  
• I never did find the wig, and it was cold enough that I kept my jacket on the entire time, so all of my pretty clothing was hidden for most of the afternoon. I spent more time dressing than anything else, which turned out to be (mostly) wasted time.
  
• Oh, and to top it all off, I tripped several times in my fabulous shoes, in front of attractive people. It's a good thing that I make a point of laughing at myself on a daily basis.

The Utterly Fantastic:

• Walking in the wrong direction led me directly in front of the White House, which had the loveliest of cherry blossom trees--as well as a few small but interesting protests.
  
• Walking in the wrong direction also helped me to find the most delicious cupcakes, on the way back. I bought four. I definitely ate two halves as my breakfast, this morning.
  
• Despite losing time over dressing up, I did manage to get a single, gushing compliment on my shoes from an adorable gay boy who is destined to be a drag queen, if he isn't one already.
  
• By the time that I got to the festival, they were tearing down the gates, and my admission was free.
  
• In addition, all of the food vendors who were trying to thin their stock before closing time started offering up everything at insane discounts.
  
• The one thing that I had been craving (okonomiyaki), I found almost instantly, at a 40% discount. It was delicious!
  
• Saving all of that money meant that I could buy more yummy things, so I walked away with every hard-to-find, tasty food item I could grab. The haul: dango (anko and mitarashi), green tea mochi, and oden); as well as the more usual futomaki and inari sushi. OMNOMNOM.
  
• I got to see a fair punk band from NYC (Uzuki) and a comedic shamisen duo from Tokyo (Se-Shami Street Boys). I got a CD of the latter for $5.00.
  
• I had a successful bout with a few uncomfortable things...and won.

All in all, the short trip was well worth the minor hassles involved. The only question that remains is this: why don't I do these things more often?!

Permission to Play, Ma'am? (Blog to Learn, Day 6)

I woke up at 8:30 this morning; these days, I call it "sleeping in." There is something seriously wrong with that! I am antsy and distracted, and I want to do everything at once. Quite frankly, I'm struggling with the idea of actually having fun. It's a bit on the overcast side today, but I had planned to go to D.C. for Sakura Matsuri. O-sake ga hoshii desu. (I was about to type that I had even considered dressing up in pseudo-EGA-style, but I started grabbing clothing instead. Yeah, that's probably going to have to happen. Now, where is that wig?)

I have a few important goals to meet this weekend, and I'm feeling the usual pull toward giving priority to that work instead of adventure. I also have an internal excuse soundtrack on loop: "It's cold...it might rain...it's already 11:30, and it ends at 6...I don't know if I can spend the time and money...I could/should do laundry/wash the dishes/clean up my email accounts/go grocery shopping/work on MIDI-programming/etc. instead...." Since this is a solo adventure, I have no one to hold me to the fire and make me have fun. That should be all the more reason to go AND to go in style.

On that note...BYE!

Antici...pation (Blog to Learn, Day 5)

Well, I finally overdid it. It was bound to happen, sooner or later; I'm just glad that I got it out of the way so early. I have been tearing apart the Tim Feriss book, and I'm impatient about incorporating some of his ideas. Specifically, I am genuinely looking forward to the weekend, so I can spend a good hour or two revamping the way I communicate via email. I want to do everything at once. The goal for now,though, is to finish reading, and then re-read with the intention of experimentation and reflection, the second time around.

Beyond reading, I spent a lot of time playing with a new toy, yesterday: an Alesis Q49 midi controller. It came with a copy of Ableton Live Lite 8, which I temporarily installed on my work laptop. (I am primarily using the program to deal with choir music and create practice CDs for my students.) I haven't really dealt with midi since college, at least not seriously, and I feel like I have training wheels on my bike, again. Problem numero uno, unfortunately, is latency issues. It only highlights my desperate need to purchase a new personal laptop, and to keep working on my own musical endeavors. Needless to say though, I can't wait to start working on material for my first album. I have already written many of the songs, but now I have to work toward recording and programming.

Oh Friday, how I've missed you. [...but if any of you start singing like Rebecca Black, I will punch you in the face.] The plan is to leave work at the end of the day (gosh!). Tomorrow, I'm heading to the National Cherry Blossom Festival in D.C., rain be damned. ...and now, well, now I'm just hoping to get to work on time.

See you tomorrow!

Pupal Stage (Blog to Learn, Day 4)

I'm off to a bit of a slow start, this morning. I can't say for sure if it is my body, finally starting to adjust to more sleep, or if it is some residual avoidance of the day ahead. I have been sucking up page after page of The 4-Hour Work Week, and it is definitely having an influence on my outlook...and on my opinion of others. I got a lot done yesterday, but did/do I feel productive? Not hardly. Half of what I accomplished was at the beck and call of others: necessary but currently useless paperwork and rehearsal time when I wasn't actually needed. Maybe I just can't see the big picture, yet. I'm willing to bet that I will thank yesterday when I'm using that paperwork to cover my ass while I'm sitting on it during a job interview or two. Preparation is key, but pointless preparation is, well...you know.If nothing else, reading this book is making me aware of ineffectual effort, my own as well as others'.

It also offers a completely new perspective on Fear. For too long, everything that I have read on the topic has been of the touchy-feely sort of pseudo-spiritual pablum that keeps people buying books and staying immobilized by the same Fear they are trying to quit. Feriss emphasizes challenging comfort levels on a daily basis, something that Eleanor Roosevelt espoused long ago. We still don't get it.

As much as I would like to rant a bit more, my obligatory check-in time beckons. These are amusing and interesting developments, though. I can't wait to see where this takes me.

Rebel, Rebel (Blog to Learn, Day 3)

I woke up this morning with Tim Ferriss on the brain, as well as the remnants of a horrible dream in which I was yelling at students for leaving early from choir rehearsal en masse when they should never have been there to begin with. Yesterday, I started reading The 4-Hour Work Week, which managed to fill me with a certain sort of giddy optimism. [When I shared some of the tidbits with a co-worker, it filled her with more than a little disdain, and prompted her to complain about working three jobs. I have to give her some credit; she was having a rough day.] That said, I have marked a certain change in myself, as of late: the desire to treat myself with some kindness, and to stop being so workaholic. There are other joys in life.

It's not as if I didn't realize it before; the need to pay heed to this assertion has been here for a while. I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to sleep or eat. Thus far, I have been ruled by perfectionism and the desire to "fix" everything...broken people, broken situations.... I think I just needed permission to let go of some things and embrace others. There is a difference between waiting for others to grant you that permission and letting them walk all over you. The book is right about this, too: when everyone is doing something the same way, and the results of those efforts are sub-par, it's time to start questioning accepted practices. It's time to start playing the system and selectively breaking some rules.

Something's Got to Give (Blog to Learn, Day 2)

I'm fairly certain that I work too hard in some ways, and not nearly hard enough, in others. There are far too many nights when I don't draw the line deep enough in the sand, and find myself sitting at my desk past 7 PM. When I leave, mine is often the only car in the parking lot. There has to be something wrong with that. Granted, I got a lot done at work yesterday, and I could fall back on the rare excuse of having to turn in grades. Still, I find it all too easy to neglect fun social events in favor of doing more work.

This is the problem--and I am sure that I am not alone in my complaining: it would be lovely to finish something. It would be a marvel to consider sleep as a gift at the end of the day, and not the result of sitting down for more than fifteen minutes. What I would give for a temporary time-freeze, when I might actually reach the end of the never-ending "To Do" list. To clarify, I want a moment when all obligations are fulfilled, and I can simply spend my time doing the things that I really want to do. I suppose that I haven't felt that way in a while.

I love my job, but I think that I need to start re-evaluating the quality of life that it can offer to me, as well as my own work habits.

EDIT: HAHAHAHAHA! I just popped off to read Dinosaur Comics for the first time in a while, and today's (?) comic was extremely appropriate for the sentiments in my post. Here, lookie.

Sitting at the Table (Blog to Learn, Day 1)

I've decided that self-reflection is no longer an option, but an obligation. Part of the problem with maintaining a blog--any blog, but especially one concerning self-improvement--is making the effort to "sit at the table." It requires a certain disregard for the ego. All things considering, it occasionally feels ridiculous and selfish to be spending so much time and effort in contemplating my own motivations and actions. That said, the only way to change the world is to affect change in oneself.

I have stagnated lately, slowed down by the same things that slow everyone: fear, anger, too much background noise.... It is in times like these that the need to live authentically becomes so much more apparent. I should be dancing. I need to let go.

I have a lot of work to do, and I can't decide where to start. So, here I am, sitting at the table. If nothing else, I can start right where I am. I am making a commitment to sit here and blog at least once per day, through the end of the month, until it becomes habitual. I am less concerned with formatting each entry and perfecting the language I use here, and more concerned with the actual act of writing. I find myself trying to plan already, but I wonder if this might be counterproductive. I'm hoping that some organic process will develop. We'll see.