I am notoriously terrible at keeping in touch with friends and family on a regular basis, and I have gotten less and less social, the longer I have been in the teaching profession. I have recognized a few factors that contribute to this bad habit:
- Burnout: I spend so much time talking/singing during the day, that when I get home, I find that I crave quiet time to myself. Having so much face-time during the week often leaves little room for self-reflection and silence, which I find not only lovely but necessary. It helps me to avoid sacrificing my whole self for the sake of my career. I love my job, but I'm not one of those people who exists solely to work. Life is far more interesting than that.
- Vocal rest: As a singer, I am very conscious of the effects that teaching has on vocal health...which is to say that it can be murderous. I am less likely to engage in lengthy phone conversations if I think that vocal rest is a greater priority.
- Decreased tolerance for wasted words: As much as I love my friends and family, I have less and less patience for chatter that pretends to be conversation. People spend an awful amount of time complaining and feeling sorry for themselves, or conversely, bragging. Insecurity is at the root of all of it. Most of my middle school students seem more well-adjusted and generally happy than the adults in my life. We all need to vent, on occasion. I just have more difficulty with people who never seem to get past the same complaints, or never take action to improve their outlook on life.
The Upside
Distancing myself from complainers has made me far less likely to complain, myself. I can't remember the last time that I was bored or genuinely unhappy, and I don't feel the need to compete for the trophy for "worst day/week". In addition, I waste much less time. I'm happy to be an attentive listener when someone really needs it, but I fail to see how listening to repeated complaints helps anyone. It starts to enable misery-making instead of encouraging empowerment. I'm more likely to spend my time with people who are making the most of life: eating good food, dancing up a storm, going on mini-adventures, enjoying the weather--even when it is raining; and being critical, creative, brilliant thinkers. I'm no longer drawn to pity, but rather, to celebration.
The Downside
People start to get insecure when you haven't contacted them, in a while. They let their thoughts run rampant, and they tend to include sentiments like "You don't care about me anymore; you only care about yourself," and "You're too busy to socialize." Leaving too much time between personal emails/phone calls can frustrate and sadden others, and they may be less likely to socialize with you in the future, if they think that you won't return the favor. As a result, your social circle starts to shrink, and then it is far too easy to get wrapped up in your own personal drama. In other words, you start to prove them right. You start to miss out on opportunities to make real, lasting connections with the people that you value most. Empathy for others starts to feel forced. Some days, I feel like all my compassion is spent in the classroom. It is exhausting, but it is no excuse to avoid caring for the needs of friends and family.
The Cure
Batch it!
Make a list of people that you haven't contacted in a while, and then eliminate those people who make you feel miserable every time you do. It might sound harsh, but there are "friends" that only seem to want your company when they need a wailing wall. If you feel that those friendships are still worth salvaging, take a moment to communicate your concerns. Try setting up a raucous/undeniably fun social outing, with one rule: "No complaining; we're here to have fun/adventure/new experiences." If you still feel like you are being used and abused on a regular basis, run...fast...and don't look back. Family is different, IMHO. With family, we take the good with the bad. Stay in touch, share your concerns, and stay honest and open. Still, don't allow your family members to use you either. Sometimes, a well-timed card in the mail, a five-minute phone call, or a two-line email is enough to tell them that you're thinking of them. It doesn't have to monopolize your entire day.
Once you have your list, pick one or two days each week to get in touch with each person, on a rotating basis. There are certain people that you may want to call every time (Mom, best friends, etc.) and others that you can contact less frequently. If you think that it will take more time than you have available, set a (silent) timer, or lead off with something like, "I have to make another call/eat dinner/run errands/etc." in a little bit, but I wanted to check in and see how you are doing." Sometimes, you can't avoid small-talk, but setting a limit on it will help you to avoid killing your day and your mood. If you know that your conversation will take longer, be sure that you have enough time to dedicate to that person without distractions, or consider sending an email instead. For those people who are casual acquaintances or new friends, Facebook or quick text messages usually do the trick.
Focus less on constant contact, and more on actually spending time with people in the real world, when you can. Most of the working world already batches social outings and events; they are called "happy hour" and "weekends." In all seriousness though, be sure to take time to socialize and rejuvenate, even though free days can feel like perfect opportunities to do more work. If you're looking for things to do, Meetup.com offers listings for group outings in your area, by interest. Seriously, in Baltimore, there is a group dedicated solely to eating at different sushi restaurants each week. Think about organizing or attending a Tweetup. Check your local city paper for events. Sign up for a weekly class that is NOT work-related. Plan to go with or without friends, and then start coercing them into joining you for everything from dinner to trapeze training.
...and on that note, I have to run! Today, I'll be singing at a school function/spring festival, and then I'm going out dancing for a friend's birthday party tonight. ADVENTURE!
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